Crickocracy

November 24 2007, Saturday
New Delhi
The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) today announced a new policy of rule-laying, amidst a thick cloud of doubts and speculation in the minds of selectors and players, and in general the masses. Ever since the BCCI made a joke of itself and cricket, (by first revoking the rights of selectors to write or speak in media and then coming forward to compensate Dilip Vengsarkar, the chief selector, for the loss he might incur thereupon), there has been a steady stream of reactions from all facets of decision makers of in India, namely, the selectors, the media and the politicians. (The players have been deliberately left out from this list because all they are allowed to do freely is take "drinks break". And if possible, bowl and bat with constraints because performance matters). The BCCI has launched a hassle-free programme to automatically enforce and drive the rules and have fittingly named it "Rule of the Day".

"Rule of the Day is a genius idea proposed, discussed and approved, all by Mr. Sharad Pawar himself. Now that this comes into effect, none from the BCCI will talk to the media henceforth. Infact no authorities, including Mr. Sharad Pawar himself will discuss cricket in public and will not be answerable to any questions you might ask us (not that we answered them before). The media is asked to come to BCCI office in Delhi every morning to collect a written announcement that will declare the 'rule of the day'. We will be declaring exactly one rule per day and anyone related to cricket is bound by it", said Mr. Niranjan Shah, Seceretary of the BCCI.

Our own correspondent adds from New Delhi:
This startling announcement from the BCCI has now created (c)ripples all along the hearts of players and selectors. An unnamed source close to us in BCCI informed us that this step was inevitable, as the number of rules and their implications were difficult to manage and maintain. A sweeper has supposedly overheard an important covered discussion where the authorities were deciding if Rule A was actually contradicting Rule B, both of which were brought into effect immediately after Greg Chappel resigned as the Indian Coach. There is no way Rule B can be revoked now as that will contradict Rule C, which goes hand in hand with Rule A. This ended up revoking Rule A itself and now BCCI is left unable to implement even rule B as they decided it affects their internal revenue.

Further more, a close source in the BCCI informed us that the board has approached a top-notch information company to develop a software system which will decide if a rule can be launched without contradicting the existing set of rules. As the budget for this system reduces the income of BCCI, they have decided against it and Dilip Vengsarkar has been advised to learn Java and Database technologies to develop an inhouse rule-laying system, strictly on a honorary basis.

- Rotters


Novemeber 25 2007, Sunday
New Delhi
'Rule of the Day' came into effect. With effect from today, no player wil sign autographs on and off the field. Apparently, this decision came after the video cameras displayed Sachin Tendulkar signing some autograph books for little children when the match was being played. Rumours say that the BCCI chief has received complaints from the team manager saying other players want to field in the boundary so they can sign autographs too. Besides, some sponsors felt standing in the boundary will market their brand better to the crowd than in the in-field. However, because some players other than the bowler and the wicket keeper are needed inside the circle for effective fielding, the manager had to bring this to the notice of BCCI immediately. Sharad Pawar did not have any comments to offer as has already been laid out - none from the BCCI or the team or the management or the selectors can now (conveniently) communicate to the media. This is definitely bound to reduce the sales of Bournvita that had been giving Sachin-signed bats free. "There is nothing else to offer with the drink anyway. We were relying on Sachin to sell it to kids, now we have no option but to chak de", sources inside Bournvita Marketing department were quoted saying.

- Rotters


Novemeber 26 2007, Monday
New Delhi
'Rule of the Day' continues. No selector can select! From now on, the BCCI management will hand over a list of 15 names to the selectors who have to analyze their performances scrupulosuly unbiased and then select a 15-member squad for the up-coming series. Dilip Vengsarkar could not make a comment on this rule when approached, but his face showed like a constipated patient who finally had loose motion. He seemed to be happy that there was loose motion at last as his task had been cut out to just replicating the names in a different order, but still worried about the constipated rule that he can't write his columns in newspapers. It was almost unbelievable when he quoted last week that media writing was his only income, but considering no sponsors would reach out to Dilip Vengsarkar for advertisements, this is perfectly possible. May be, cellophene tapes could show him plastered across the mouth, and with BCCI's rule-making policy backfiring, somewhere else too!

- Rotters


November 27 2007, Tuesday
New Delhi
Rule of the Day: Shahrukh Khan and Deepika Padukone will not be allowed to enter the city where a cricket match is being played; Even Ranji Trophy matches. Additionally, Om Shanti Om will also be stopped from screening in these cities. MS Dhoni is disappointed about not allowing Deepika but is happy Shahrukh khan will not tag along anymore. Shahrukh breached BCCI's rule by commenting to the media about this. He is quoted to have said it was only a coincidence that Deepika was in the same stadium as him, where India is playing an international cricket match and that he himself was very surprised she was sitting next to him in most of the matches. He added saying he does not need cricket as the platform to market his movies and finished his interview saying "om shanti om".

-Rotters


November 28 2007, Wednesday
New Delhi
Rule of the Day: The media shall not comment about 'Rule of the Day'. Anyone who writes anything extra about the Rule or comments on it will be stopped middle way and handcuf .. "hey what the ..! who are you guys? how did you come into the office? Hey take these cuffs off my han..."

- Rotters


November 29 2007, Thursday
New Delhi
Rule of the Day: None can publish the Rule of the Day

- Rotters


November 30 2007, Friday
New Delhi
Rule of the Day:

- Rotters


December 1 2007, Saturday
Feroz Shah Kotla
National: Within a week of coming out with 'Rule of the Day' policy, the BCCI has couped successfully against Congress and taken over the rule of the Indian Government. This is the first time a Cricket Rule has been established in any country of the world. Sharad Pawar has declared Crickocracy as the national policy that in effect restricts anyone from making any statements to the media or expressing any thoughts. Everyone will play only cricket in the country and dress only in white and white with pads on, all the time. Batsmen and bowlers will be the two recognized genders and the keepers will make sure none of the bowlers bowl bodyline to the batsmen and do not tease each other as did happen with Shoaib Akhtar. Dilip Vengsarkar has been made the chief of army who will shoot balls over the boundary to fight wars and has been overheard saying something like "only performance matters". Niranjan Shaw has been made the home seceretary and will collabarate with all states to ensure an unbiased pawar-powered regime. All aged citizens above 35 years of age will be asked to retire from whatever office they hold and will be given support on a honorary basis, no money. The fifteen member squad that played the first test match against Pakistan last week has been asked to rest for a long time to come. People can drink pepsi or coca-cola at will and no national players can influence their thoughts. Saurav's and Rahul's fans have setup naxalite camps to fight Crickocracy. Sachin has not made any statements as usual, but maintains a strict silence on all affairs. Last, and definitely not the least, Greg Chappel has been recalled and instituted as the External Affairs Minister and as his first move, Saurav Ganguly has been exiled from India inspite of his comeback performance. Sources close to us in the 'Crickocratic Government' has informed on conditions of anonymity that Ranji Trophy bowlers will henceforth bowl underarm only, under Greg Chappel's direct scrutiny.

All media forms have been asked to shut down and as a kind gesture, Sharad Pawar has allowed newspapers to write one last day, penning every word himself. It has been a good tenure and now we have realized what media-mania and political nuts can do to a country. Stay idiotic!

- Rotters