Appa

Appa, this one is for you. Sincerely.

I twisted and turned in bed, not able to get your face off my mind. I wanted to see you at that moment, and realized the feeling meant I was missing you. It felt strange because I did not know anyone could miss a father, the relationship is usually taken for granted. And right there, I pressed the brakes of my life, closed my eyes though it was dark, and thought about all that you have given me. I realized all the selfless things you have done, things no-one else can ever do. I flash-backed to all those times when I should have faithfully followed you, holding your hand and moments when I should have laid my head peacefully on your shoulders. Trust was implicit.

Yes pa, I missed you so much, so suddenly. You were just a phone call away, but I cherished the thoughts so much, I did not want to disturb them. I have never expressed my love for you in words, and I do not know if I can, so I decided to remember and write them down in that rare emotional window of time.

I admire your orderliness pa, the sincere efforts you put in to maintain a semblance in everything. I am hardly the type. I like chaos more than discipline, but your efforts to grind every detail and put everything in its place stumps me. I know how much it comes handy when I want to look for the odd detail, and I admire your efforts when that lost paper that we search for hours shows up at last, filed away safely years ago.

I am envious of your patience pa. Now that I am supposed to be a grown up and lead my own life, I find myself out-of-breath and out-of-time often. I tend to rush things when I don't have time for them. Thinking how you would have handled the same situation puts me in the last spot in the queue-of-patient-men. I wish I have half your patience.

I am proud of your achievements pa. I know the modest roots, I know the efforts you invested to reach where you are, and I know what you could be. I have always tried to emulate your dedication towards my academics, and should say they have yielded results. I am proud of your intellect, and your tendency to help people. I am proud of your love for us and I know how fortunate I am. I am proud of your integrity, and the values that make you. I am proud of my initials.

I would be lost without you pa. You are there for me, always. You inspire me to carry on inspite of failures. You are "the given" that I come running to everytime I have an actual problem in the real world. You have withstood all my frivolous blunders, my teenage imprudence and my general irresponsibilties, brushing away all the hurt they should have caused you. You have stood by my side and handled my issues that I felt helpless about. Your assertiveness during times of my timidity (I wouldn't admit I was timid ever if I wasn't this emotional) has helped me go through hard hurdles. I leaned back against your pillar of support everytime I couldn't handle a mess I created. I still do pa.

I might have been insensitive at various points of my life, but the person you have made of me today isn't all that bad, given my eccentricities. And you make up for all my shortcomings like no father ever would. For that, I am truly indebted to you. Forever. A crying heart doesn't lie, and I tell you now that I respect you.

I wouldn't be where I am, if you weren't what you are. I love you.

Sravan