Kolangal Abhi, The Great

Abhi alias Devayani, is a living legend in South India and she represents one of the greatest of greats who reflect the success women can acheive in an oppressed, male-chauvenistic, anti-feminine, always-plotting-against-her world by sheer determination, very little outside help and not to forget, litres of tears. It is an unblemished fact that she has outlived Arasi aka Radhika and Kalki aka Kushbu, proved merely by actually giving birth to two children over a gap of two years in real-life, during the Kolangal serial itself, simultaneously also keeping Abhi alive in reel-life, and still convincing her disciples. For her second child-birth, they actually tweaked the script and Abhi was in America for six months in a training. It's a pity that the cameraman did not get a visa to the US, and so Abhi could not be shown on TV.

Abhi's alter ego is Devayani, who once had the audacity to act in bigscreen movies. Devayani has given quite a few block busters such as "Appu", "Unakum enakum kalyanam", "Vallarasu", "Kuruvamma" etc. She acts too much that there is no comparison whatsoever and is one of the best actress South Indian cinema was blessed with. The loss to the producers who missed her as a heroine after she got married is not worth mentioning. Her fans were known to wake up breaking sweat in the middle of night, with nightmares featuring her smile. That, plus her dubbed voice that usually vaguely overlaps with a parrot squeaking away on a rainy afternoon from a peepal tree. She had a charming figure that held nothing for the casual eye, and trying to think of her as hot was an attempt at suicide. There was a common agreement among viewers those days that her mirror died a slow death. So much for Devayani. But we digress.

Then came Abhi. The God himself should be humbled by this great lady, for here's a case of creation-surpassing-creator. Everything happens to Abhi. While Abhi is sometimes manhandled, other times Abhi handles men. The vortex of all grief in this world centers on Abhi. Abhi is separated from her money-hungry husband and lives the life of a vegetable. Abhi runs a construction business that's one of the top firms and yet lives with her sisters in a house that's a mild advancement to a hut. Abhi walks on foot, even when blood-dripping. Abhi takes a vacation to Athipattu, and the script tweaks for a story there. Abhi is in a taxi or auto half her life, asking the driver to go fast. Abhi is Adhi's half-sister and his aunty, err, anti (villian, that is). Abhi can cry forever, for her eyes are built on a canal over the hudson river with a tap. It is Abhi's exceptional ability to cry that has made her such a great success with the South-Indian opera fans.

Coming to Adhi, he is nothing short of a madman. Adhi always talks like he is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, that all he needs the next minute is a session in the toilet. Adhi is always in an hyper state. Adhi can withhold the controlling power in any company by forging signatures, not even buying stocks. Adhi deals with global businessmen, lures them to India, abducts and threatens to kill them. Adhi commands the Tamilnadu state police force. Adhi kills everyone but our very own Abhi.

Adhi has Dilla in his side. Dilla is a policeman evolved from an ape, no doubt. His pecking hands, dwarting eyes and pulsating neck resembles a bird busy dropping, and he is definitely a cross between an orangutan and the cockatoo. Don't ask me how they did it, but the proof is for everyone to see.

Leading everyone is Tholkappian, the director himself. Why he chose to cast himself will remain a mystery. With a well-showing paunch and a face that is just shyly short of a overused dosa plate, Thols is an immaculate portrait of a moving tree that displays not only no emotions in the physique outside, but also betrays the nothingness in the mind inside. If his dialogue delivery is plotted on a graph of Pitch vs Time, it will be a perfectly flat horizontal straight line, for Thols can easily utter "I am Thols", "I am horny" and "I am dead" all in the same monotone. Imagine that along with his best friend Abhi, whose graph will be perfectly vertical. After five years of writing and directing emotional excreta, the man has completely lost track of reality and is irrevocably wrapped in the cocoon of Abhi, Adhi and other such disposables.

Though a lot of examples can be given about the logic in "Kolangal" (or the lack of it), this one takes the cake. Once recently, Abhi admits her best friend Tholkappian in a hospital with mortal bullet wounds. The nurse proclaims he is dead! The wardboy proclaims he is dead!! The duty-doctor proclaims he is dead!!! The head-doctor proclaims he is dead!!!! But fools they are, for the great Abhi still has hope!!!!! She requests, begs, orders and even wills the doctors (two days serial time) to take another look at him because SHE believes he is alive. And lo! The doctor comes out of the operation theater, removes his gloves, and he bloody says "It is a medical miracle! We all declared him dead, but your hopes brought him back alive!!". So are the hopes of thousands of women and men who are Abhi's fans. To quote Captain Archibald Haddock, "Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles!". But when Abhi hopes - medicine, bullets, science, economics, history and geography are all proved wrong. The best part through all this cowdung is that Abhi herself is also wounded by bullets, blood-red all over, tears streaming down her face pleading with doctors, and not a single soul in that hospital realized Abhi should be given first aid. They kept her blood-red for three full days (serial time), it is only after that that Abhi realized she is bleeding and faints. That draws a whoomph from a lot of viewers. I silently pray Abhi is dead. Futile, I may add.

The slow-moving sentimental dung that Abhi churns out with tears in the name of "Kolangal" stinks in all the household for about five years now, and yet Abhi is the Xerxes of Persia who invades our Greek homeland day-after-weekday. Abhi might not be logical, Abhi might defy commonsense, Abhi might be a shame to drama, Abhi might be the worst portrayal of a successful lady in life; but all morale are within the ethical boundary of drama, as long as Abhi rules the TRP. Chellamma aka Radhika and Thangam aka Ramyakrishnan have a lot of catching up to do. For the anamoly that Abhi is, and for the fools that we all are, "Kolangal" is a great success as long as Abhi's glycerine doesn't run out!